Do you ever browse blogs thinking, ‘What am I doing with my life and what the hell are all these random bloggers doing with their lives?” I can answer both of those questions for you.

I’ve been giving this a lot of thought because, frankly, I know you’ve been worried. And not just about me, not even primarily about me and what I’m doing with my life. Mostly, you’ve been worried about yourself. Worry no longer! By explaining what I’m doing with my life, I guarantee at least one of you will spontaneously realize what you should be doing with your life. Don’t worry, what I’m going to tell you doesn’t involve cults, pyramid schemes or the morally grey area of testing goats milk soap on goats.

So what exactly am I doing? I’m thinking up creative business ideas that I have no desire to actually make a reality. For example, today’s business idea of the day is

Bottles and Bottles — Taproom and Nursery because every mom deserves a happy hour at least once a day.

Possible liabilities:

  • Nursery staff accidentally fill sippy cups from taps.
    • Workaround: Nursery staff prohibited from accessing the bar during working hours.
  • Nursery staff get drunk while on duty
    • Workaround: same as #1.
  • Mothers drive their children home after drinking a few too many and angry mombsters shame-picket the front of the establishment.
    • Workaround: Hire Ubers with car seats to wait out front during peak hours. If this is too expensive, hire counter-picketers who hold pictures of pints chanting, ‘Mom’s deserve to drink too.’ It’s uncertain if this second group are anti-dad protesters or if they’re against drunk-mom-shaming protesters, but all the attention will promote conversation.
  • It might already exist. I haven’t Googled it but it’s possible I’ve subconsciously stolen this whole idea like Madonna accidentally stole a dozen songs over the course of her career. These things happen sometimes.
    • Workaround: If you discover this is one of those times, the best thing to do is to buy an internet-sized rug and sweep this all underneath it.

I know you’re wondering why I’m not capitalizing on this brilliant idea right now, why I’m just giving it away for free. The answer is twofold. Firstly, I think this idea has a lot more gusto if it’s put into action by a mom. I do not fall into that category. Secondly, I’m not just giving it away for free. I fully expect that you will pay me a creative consultancy fee, preferably in cryptocurrency, for services rendered.

You might now be feeling dizzy and confused. It’s to be expected. After all, you’ve been unsure what you’re doing with your life for so long that the sudden realization that this is it–this is your ticket out of those endless cycles of treating Google like it’s a magic 8-ball–has left you feeling frazzled.

If you’ve spent the last five years Googling, top 10 careers that make a lot of money and what to do if you’re 30 and don’t know what you’re doing with your life and should I get a masters degree? and ethical porn; if you’ve been binge-watching all sorts of shows from all sorts of streaming services at all sorts of hours in an attempt to stop feeling like your life is meaningless and you are alone; I release you now to your new, fulfilled life. The search is over, bliends (that’s blogger friends). This is your chance to shine as the enlightened feminist-revolutionary for modern women. You are about to be the proud new owner of the hippest mom-bar in town. So shine, sister (and don’t forget to transfer my finders fee or I will join the picketers).