Of the Icebox

Words about stuff and sometimes things

Solving Life: Bottles & Bottles — May 7, 2018

Solving Life: Bottles & Bottles

Do you ever browse blogs thinking, ‘What am I doing with my life and what the hell are all these random bloggers doing with their lives?” I can answer both of those questions for you.

I’ve been giving this a lot of thought because, frankly, I know you’ve been worried. And not just about me, not even primarily about me and what I’m doing with my life. Mostly, you’ve been worried about yourself. Worry no longer! By explaining what I’m doing with my life, I guarantee at least one of you will spontaneously realize what you should be doing with your life. Don’t worry, what I’m going to tell you doesn’t involve cults, pyramid schemes or the morally grey area of testing goats milk soap on goats.

So what exactly am I doing? I’m thinking up creative business ideas that I have no desire to actually make a reality. For example, today’s business idea of the day is

Bottles and Bottles — Taproom and Nursery because every mom deserves a happy hour at least once a day.

Possible liabilities:

  • Nursery staff accidentally fill sippy cups from taps.
    • Workaround: Nursery staff prohibited from accessing the bar during working hours.
  • Nursery staff get drunk while on duty
    • Workaround: same as #1.
  • Mothers drive their children home after drinking a few too many and angry mombsters shame-picket the front of the establishment.
    • Workaround: Hire Ubers with car seats to wait out front during peak hours. If this is too expensive, hire counter-picketers who hold pictures of pints chanting, ‘Mom’s deserve to drink too.’ It’s uncertain if this second group are anti-dad protesters or if they’re against drunk-mom-shaming protesters, but all the attention will promote conversation.
  • It might already exist. I haven’t Googled it but it’s possible I’ve subconsciously stolen this whole idea like Madonna accidentally stole a dozen songs over the course of her career. These things happen sometimes.
    • Workaround: If you discover this is one of those times, the best thing to do is to buy an internet-sized rug and sweep this all underneath it.

I know you’re wondering why I’m not capitalizing on this brilliant idea right now, why I’m just giving it away for free. The answer is twofold. Firstly, I think this idea has a lot more gusto if it’s put into action by a mom. I do not fall into that category. Secondly, I’m not just giving it away for free. I fully expect that you will pay me a creative consultancy fee, preferably in cryptocurrency, for services rendered.

You might now be feeling dizzy and confused. It’s to be expected. After all, you’ve been unsure what you’re doing with your life for so long that the sudden realization that this is it–this is your ticket out of those endless cycles of treating Google like it’s a magic 8-ball–has left you feeling frazzled.

If you’ve spent the last five years Googling, top 10 careers that make a lot of money and what to do if you’re 30 and don’t know what you’re doing with your life and should I get a masters degree? and ethical porn; if you’ve been binge-watching all sorts of shows from all sorts of streaming services at all sorts of hours in an attempt to stop feeling like your life is meaningless and you are alone; I release you now to your new, fulfilled life. The search is over, bliends (that’s blogger friends). This is your chance to shine as the enlightened feminist-revolutionary for modern women. You are about to be the proud new owner of the hippest mom-bar in town. So shine, sister (and don’t forget to transfer my finders fee or I will join the picketers).

Tips for Proper Plant Care — May 5, 2018

Tips for Proper Plant Care

When you speak to the plant you must tell it that happiness is optional, that it can’t expect to bloom all the time, that one of these days you’re going to leave or it’s going to die or you’ll knock it over on the way out the door and it won’t be able to stand up again. And you won’t even know the damage you’ve caused until you come home that night.

When you speak to the plant, you must tell it that love is like the sun, you can never get enough until you’ve had it. And then you’ve had it and you aren’t certain if you’re melting from too much light or too little love. You ask the plant if it can tell the difference between a heat lamp that’s ten feet away and a ten million degree flaming ball of plasma that’s ninety-three million miles away. It might want to tell you that it’s actually 92,960,000 miles away and it’s that forty-thousand miles that makes a difference but it won’t.

When you speak to the plant, you must tell it that you’ve never been able to keep one alive, that you’ve buried two but mostly you toss them out when they start to rot or dry, or some variation of improper care starts to make itself manifest.

When you speak to the plant, you can’t expect that oxygen will be enough, that any words will do. You can’t expect that it will grow legs and walk away when you share a  story that causes root-shriveling agony. You can’t blame yourself for running out of words, for collecting large reserves of anger, for huddling in the far corner with a book and allowing the plant to suffer the wrath of your silence.

When you speak to the plant, you must remember where life started, that it was not in your arms, that you are not a caregiver, a life-sustainer. You are, have always been the steady, and your plant is just passing through.

Something you should know about the gypsy spirit — May 2, 2018
Forever Growing — April 29, 2018

Forever Growing

Between the two of us there are stories shared, built, hidden, treasured, forgotten, forgiven, forsaken. Stories to build a love, stories to fill two inexperienced hearts. Stories to remind us things are better now, we have made them better.

Hieroglyphed on the walls of my ancient cave — April 18, 2018

Hieroglyphed on the walls of my ancient cave

This word: Alone.

Every resting stop after has been a conscious turning away from that first home. Every commitment is a rebuttal to my understanding of where life started and where it will end. You can bury, you can bow, you can dig the word away. It’s fine to avoid. It’s fine to be afraid. It’s fine to create seventy years of distractions. But it’s not fine to want it. It’s not fine to prefer it. It’s not fine to cut it out of the wall of your cave and carry it like a mezuzah, ready made for every home you enter thereafter.

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Cities Don’t Break — April 14, 2018

Cities Don’t Break

When I leave your city and you tell me, “You’ll be back,” I don’t take it as a haunting, as a spirit drawing me backwards like the demons that forced me out. I take it as an uneasy blessing, an acknowledgement of all that has gone wrong. And since space wasn’t strong enough to fix us, you hope that time will be stronger.

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